What do grown ups do at dinner?

Driving with the radio on and I realize how strange this feels. Driving, in the car… alone, on my way to have food with people who know how to say more than 10 words.

The boys are catching colds and Alex is at home with them. We always go as a unit. The plan was for all of us to go together.  I am part of this family unit and if I am being honest I have morphed into part of that unit and not a piece of that unit.  You know what I mean?  I hide behind the craziness of  being a mom.  I’m always parent 1 of 2. Listening to the radio in the quiet while I drive I have a moment of panic.

What the hell do I do at a restaurant?! If I’m not cutting food, swapping babies, or bouncing in the corner with a baby in my hip? It’s a weird feeling to feel- not knowing how to act or even knowing who I am outside of my family unit.

How have I forgotten how to carry a conversation with adults?  Have I forgotten what I like to talk about, or how to laugh freely without having to pay attention to another human? I take time alone but I can’t recall the last time I was out with other adults without having to parent. That’s insane! But motherhood will do that.

You lose friends.

You run out of adults to talk to because of 1 of a million reasons.

When I get there will it come naturally like riding a bike? Will I feel awkward? Will I accidentally wipe someone’s mouth for them? But seriously

What so grown ups do at dinner with all that spare time????  I guess we will see.  Fingers crossed.

What do you like to do when you eat with other grown humans?  What things do you like to talk about or do with both hands free lol?  Let me know below.

 

 

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It can’t be this hard

It can’t be can, this hard to be a mother. At least once a week I ask out loud “does everyone struggle like this?” “Does every stay at home mom or any mom for that matter- ask for help this often…?”

Terrible twos…. terrible? How about ‘what this shit is this, twos!’ First, he’s the sweetest kid around then he’s screaming at me because I did what. He. Asked. Me. To. Do.

But that is only half of my current struggle. The other half is a teething 8 month old who rarely lets me put him down. I’m a freaking champion at doing anything and everything one handed.

But even when I’m not around them. Even when I’m taking time for “self care,” (don’t even get me started with that) I feel like I’m doing this thing wrong. This parenting thing. When my toddler is on the floor of his grandparents house screaming at me or testing every limit, all while I hold his brother who is also never appeased, asking myself, “What the hell am I doing?”


I can’t be the only one who fears failure as a mother. That flash forward 19 years and my kids are disrespectful, distant and resent me for not doing all the things right, highlight reel. Not giving them the tools to handle life.

Believe me, I know that sounds heavy. But I can’t be the only one who thinks this way. And if I am well then…shit.

I know the bad days will come and go. That it won’t be this way forever.. trust me every Instagram Sally reminds me daily how precious it is. And I agree and appreciate the reminder but on days like today- well.. sometimes I just need to be pissed, feel hopeless, know it’s normal, hear that it sucks, that toddlers are rude AF and that IG Sally can just shove it!

Having a bad day? Feel free to air it out below. No judgment here.

 

 

 

 

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” Self Care”

click, click, click the sound of me snapping my nursing bra.  I’m sitting here staring at my laptop, listening to my ‘angry music,’ drinking coffee and “taking time for me.”

‘Self care’ they call it.  I’m in such a funk that sitting here just reminds me of all I need to be doing.  How can we as moms go and go and still accomplish nothing? I can’t be the only one who feels like this… right?

Feeling like I have been working 24/7 for months on in… and then the opportunity to slip away shows itself and it’s almost annoying.  Maybe I’m just bitching, which seems about right.  I constantly feel like a debby downer. 


I LOVE being a mom.  Those tiny humans are my everything.  They make me laugh like no one else can. The little one has a smile that could melt anyone’s heart.  The big one is braver than anyone I know.  And whether I love my babies is not the issue at hand it’s me.

Gosh guys, I don’t know...becoming a mom complicates all your emotions.

It’s hard to feel mad without the guilt for not wearing a smile.  It’s hard to feel sad without feeling like you have let them down for not being strong.  All your emotions come with side effects.  You know what I mean?  That how you feel (which you shouldn’t have to justify) is always followed by how that is making someone else feel…. I don’t know that’s how I feel anyway.

Self care is such a hard topic because even if we are away are we really taking care of ourselves or are we making grocery list, doing laundry, worrying about the to do’s and all that jazz in a different setting? When you are doing the self care thing, are you disconnected mentally?  Can you let it all go?

I would love to hear below how you feel about self care….. like how you really feel.

 

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