I got tears all over dinner

Tears are getting all over the pork chops.. that is what I am thinking about as I am cutting up dinner and sobbing.
There is a child at each baby gate screaming and crying at me.  I have now called my husband 3 times at work to talk me down.

BEEP- the microwave… right.  I grab the baby and put him in his highchair to eat.  My toddler climbs up into his chair.  I lean in to help him with the buckle, which is met with attitude.  I walk in to grab dinner when I hear him cry.  I know why before I even get to him.  He buckled the skin of his thigh in the buckle. Yep, this is why I tried to help ya bud!  I am now forced to push aside my frustration and comfort him.

As all of this is happening all I can think about is the comment I made to my mom not even 2 hours ago on the phone. “I have such baby fever.  I can’t wait to have another.”

My mind is now consumed by this comment it’s on repeat.

Baby fever. Baby fever!  BABY FEVER! You can’t even handle the 2 you have.  What would people think if you were pregnant? ‘Another one? Wow, isn’t she the mom who is crying every week about how hard motherhood is?’

All of this is met with envy I’ve been feeling for a new mom I am following on Instagram who has a big family like I long for.  How does she do it?  What is the trick to have multiple kids and not crying when they cry?

The combination is enough to make me lose my own appetite for dinner.  As the boys eat I sit here typing this… hoping that another mom will read this and feel less alone I suppose.  I am no expert on motherhood but I fancy myself pretty well-versed in the emotions it causes.

Failure. Self doubt. Sadness. Loneliness. Joy, followed by aggravation. Regret for handling it all wrong. Anxiety of whats to come.

If you are crying over dinner tonight I see you. You’re not alone and the salt from our tears won’t hurt them.